October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. For the many who have struggled with miscarriage, the unique grief of losing an unborn child is painful every month. If you are one of these women, this video perfectly captures what we would want to say to every one of you if you were curled up on our couch over coffee:
We know you are hurting.
You are still their mom.
We reached out to our staff, clients, and friends who have walked through miscarriage personally and asked:
From one mama to another, these were their responses:
Two months ago I had the worst days of my life when we miscarried our child. Even though we didn’t know the gender and we never got to hold our baby, that didn’t make it hurt any less. I’m still not okay, and I don’t know when or if I will be, but I am learning to survive with the love and support from my husband, family, and dear friends. I think one of the hardest parts is not understanding why and the feeling that “I should have my baby growing in my tummy right now” feeling! Right now the biggest thing I’m learning is that it is okay not to be okay and that everyone grieves in their own ways. I’m learning to survive with my grieving process and have hope that our time will come when God allows it!
When I lost my baby, I didn’t tell anyone. I held it in because I didn’t want to deal with the questions. I thought that would cause me more pain. But now, almost 10 years later, I still miss my baby. I still think about what he would be like, who he would look like, what he would love to do. I’ve learned to talk about him with a close friends and that helps. It helps me to keep a small part of him alive and with me.
My advice? Be honest about your miscarriage to family and friends so they can love on you and help you heal. Keeping miscarriage a secret is hard and usually not helpful. It is also okay to grieve on holidays and the expected due date (or birthday). And one more thing- give others grace as they try to be there for you. People WILL say insensitive things. Just give grace and move on- you can’t fully understand the grief of a miscarriage unless you’ve been there.
Piper should’ve been 18 months old. Elijah should’ve been walking. Judah should’ve been rolling over by now. Hope, who we lost in December, should’ve been days from delivery…Some things you simply don’t recover from, you just reconcile yourself to. If we dwell on what SHOULD HAVE BEEN different, we become bitter. We become hard-hearted and closed off. But that’s not the way we are called to live.
After my miscarriage, I was angry- angry at my body, angry at my family, and even angry at God. The due date every year is a hard day for me. It hurts to see pregnant women so happy and full of innocence. You see, a miscarriage took that happiness and innocence away. Even after having a successful pregnancy, I am still overwhelmed with doubt and fear. With God’s help I’m pulling through.
We hope you feel understood, important, and loved…because you are.